a selfie by me
Life purpose. Mission. Happiness. Talents. Skills.
What do all of these mean?
Why are they important? Well that’s obvious.
Pero…
Que significa decir adiós? And move on?
Tranformación.
La definición de transformación desde el espacio de la ciencia, es cuando el ADN de una célula sufre una alteración genética. That’s right. Suffers.
It took a heavy and painful transformational process for me to shed every little cell and outdated programmed cell in my body, to understand who I really am at my core. I’ve always been the same person. I have never ever changed. Is just that my cells got very very dirty with tons of poisonous information, and memories, until my whole body stopped working and got stuck, with such a lack of maintenance.
En el 2018, poco tiempo después del último Green Sofa Sessions que se llevó a cabo en el Museo de Arte Contemporáneo de Puerto Rico, caí en el hospital. Se pensó que tendrían que extraerme la vesícula, y luego de varios laboratorios, un día largo de haber estado amanecida, con sueño, con mucha hambre, y con un suero super mal puesto en la parte posterior de mi mano derecha (sí, soy diestra) pasé uno de los días más horribles sin poder comer, ni dormir, hasta que salieran los resultados de los laboratorios para saber si me tendrían que llevar a sala de operaciones. Finalmente todo dió negativo, y salió que estaba completamente bien de todo, y yo me sentía horrible, con dolores musculares por todo el cuerpo y en los huesos, sin entender por qué.
Lo sé, la promesa de que ese breve relato se desenvolviera a lo tipo Tale Tell-Heart, fue mayúsculo (para los amantes de una buena carcajada). No me molesta desilusionar en esta ocasión, pues mi cuerpo ese día ERA la encarnación de éste insigne cuento (para los amantes de una segunda carcajada, mientras vagan por su palacio). Nunca nadie supo de seguro qué me había sucedido (dropping palace lingo here), pero más adelante entendí que todo esto me había pasado por la cantidad exhorbitante de estrés que había dejado take over me, my mind, and my whole body, as I continued to push forward and try my hardest to bootstrap the fuck out of this magazine and long dreamed-of vision, that no matter how much I tried, nothing ever seemed to just flow.
Todo con AL Magazine, desde el principio fue sumamente cuesta arriba, pero fui tan testaruda que estaba cien por ciento determinada a make it happen, costara lo que costara. Pero umm yeah, si tu salud está incluida ahí, you’ll die. And you won’t be able to do it. So I just wasn't considering the death factor here at all. Until I had to.
So, que tiene que ver todo esto anyways con la ciencia de la transformación, y ¿por qué no decidí cogerlo más suave y como quiera continuarlo poco a poco? Porque ya lo intenté de todas las maneras y ritmos posibles, solo para darme cuenta que ese no era el problema. El problema de que este proyecto no acabara de arrancar, nunca ha sido mi capacidad de lograr que arranque al nivel que siempre soñé o no, es que simplemente estaba tan testarudamente aferrada a la idea de que ya había descubierto cuál era el propósito de mi vida en este planeta tierra, y todo hacía tanto sentido para mi mente, que mi mentalidad era: “there cannot be anything else; this sounds and seems so perfect, it just has got to be this. It makes perfect sense.”
Pero la vida no funciona así para nada, ni se trata de lo que más tiene sentido en base a unos ideales construidos por la sociedad, que lleva influyéndote a ti e influyendo a tus padres, y a los padres de tus padres, and so on, since forever.
La realidad en la que vivimos, lo que es “correcto”, “incorrecto”, lo ideal, “lo que se supone” y “cómo se supone”, las leyes, constituciones, e instituciones, que de nuevo, dictan lo que es “correcto, incorrecto, lo que se supone y lo que no”, están hechas por seres humanos que nacieron igual de perdidos y confundidos que tú y que yo. Since like, EVER. Siempre ha sido así, eso nunca ha cambiado y nunca cambiará (if people don’t wake up to this reality). Also, por esto todo el mundo tiene derecho a tener una opinión, no?
(unrelated to that last sentence) En mi opinión actual, ¿qué sería una institución, ley, o constitución confiable? Que valga la pena prestarle atención, y que el resultado de su aplicación a fin de cuentas y con el pasar del tiempo, tenga un impacto-resultado positivo y saludable para la sociedad y el planeta tierra? ...Serían leyes y constituciones, fundadas y aprobadas por yogis y yoginis. (let that sink in for a minute, before you diss me with a gesture full of contempt, and allow me to briefly explain for your benefit and not mine.)
After going through these horrible experiences and being under such a heavy stress for such a long period of time, you realize how poor are the choices, thinking patterns, lifestyle, and ultimately, most conclusions and decisions, of people who don’t make their best efforts to care optimally for their physical, emotional and mental health. And when people have little to no disregard for their overall health and lifestyle, is a given, that most people do not have mental clarity. And without mental clarity, there’s no way that the conclusions, decisions, choices, and actions you are taking are looking out for the best interests of everyone in the planet; or at least of the immediate environment you and/or each individual, lacking mental clarity, impacts. This just cannot be clearer enough for me now.
If people in positions of power, took better care of their health in all areas of their lives, and specially making sure, their mental health and clarity is at their optimal levels, the world wouldn't even have that many rules to abide to in the first place, because people would naturally be chill and know exactly how to behave properly. But —is not like I think this is a utopian ideal, I think this can be possible— is simply not our current reality just yet.
So now, grounding all of this back to earth and back to my initial point, in a nutshell, I wasn’t thinking, or feeling, or living, in the healthiest way that generated for me the utmost clarity I needed to stir my life into the right direction. The path that truly and deeply rang true to me. My personal unique path of least resistance.
And now that I have “hacked” this societal illusion, that kept me far, far, far away from my true desires, I discovered that AL Magazine, was no longer part of my clarity. So I have decided to let it go.
AL Magazine, throughout the years put me in contact with so many talented people, I cannot find the words to describe how much all of this art, expanded my heart, and my mind. Many Puerto Ricans tend to have such a low image of themselves and you don't even know fellow Puerto Rican brothers and sisters how fucking badass and amazing we are. You don't even know.
But now you know. Keep paying attention.
So, how do we see ourselves now?
As fucking badass and amazing Puerto Ricans. That’s what we are in the world, a culture of fucking badass and incredibly amazing, and highly sophisticated and genius people, in a fucking incredible Island, everyone wishes to live in, and that’s why everyone else in the world, is secretly jealous. Pffttt anyone living in a place that doesn’t have our beaches, flora, and fauna…. Losers? Hahahaha well, ok. We are so sophisticated we don’t brag about it. We take care of our resources and let only in people who will truly value and respect it. That’s just the way we roll.
Yes. If that was uncomfortable to digest, you need to meditate, and choose better lies to believe in.
So I cried a lot when I realized AL Magazine will no longer be a part of my journey, but ultimately there’s not a single reason to feel even a little sad about this, because with every tear I shed, the weight on my shoulders became lighter and lighter. And it couldn't feel more right. Because everything I begin now, will be more conscious, more aware, more grounded in what makes me feel good, happier, and lighter, so that I can produce whatever I will, without ever getting that tired or stressed again, because it will come naturally to me, completely in sync with life, nature and the universe and what the world truly needs from me at this moment in time, and not what I think that is.
I feel more than thankful to all the people who contributed to this project in one way or another. As interviewees, as part of one of the 7 generations of interns we hired from 2016 to 2018, independent contributors, collaborators, and mentors. With that said, I wish to offer special gratitude to artist Pedro Vélez, professor and wearer of many hats within the cultural management and the local businesses ecosystem, Javier Hernández, and last but not least, artist, gallerist and local cultural advocate as much as Pedro and Javier, Osvaldo “Osvi” Santiago. Of all the people I met in this journey, you all assumed the role of mentors to me in critical moments and believed in me, and this project without a single doubt since the very beginning, unlike many others. I don’t doubt either, that if the “stars” would’ve aligned differently for me, I wouldn't have let you down. I will forever be honored to have counted with the support of such great men, artists and professionals like you since we crossed paths. My respect, love, and appreciation, forever.
If you wish to follow me on my next adventure, learn more about this spiritual awakening I had, bit by bit, and where the winds are taking me now, you can follow me at:
subscribe to my new youtube channel here
or subscribe to my new email newsletter here
Gracias por tanto.
Por el apoyo, el amor, la lealtad…
Wake up from the false dreams of society, and then re-dream again. Re-dream from your heart. Not your ego.
See you at the next adventure. <3
To all partners and collaborators: that have pending businesses with AL Magazine, I will be personally communicating with each one of you very soon to sort all proceeding details out. Thank you for your patience and trust.
